Getting humble

When I came into recovery, I was sure I was different. I thought that the only person I hurt was myself. No one told me I had a problem, no one seemed to notice that I was drinking too much. I came into the rooms because I was emotionally bankrupt, but I didn’t feel like I had lost anything tangible. I had my job, hell, I even bought a house. I didn’t lose my husband or my children like a lot of those people in those rooms. But, wait a minute, I didn’t have a husband or children to lose. For the last bit of my drinking, it was mostly just wine, in the comfort of my home, alone. Who was I hurting? Just myself, right?

When I began thinking about making amends, I thought that mostly I just hadn’t been present for people in my life. I really believed that the amends I’d have to make were living amends. I didn’t really hurt anyone, I just wasn’t around for my friends and family. Or, when I was around, I was hungover a lot of the time. It’s like I selectively forgot all of the stupid things I did when I was drinking.

Tonight, I put my amends list on paper. There were a lot of people on there that I hurt. There were things that I did. I have more than just a living amends to do. After everything was written on the page, I looked at it in disbelief. Like, why would any of these people still want to be in my life?

It hurts, I feel so low. I thought I was an okay person, just had a little drinking problem, stopped it before it got too far. I thought I just needed recovery lite, I guess I really need the hard stuff. I am not that different from any other alcoholic, I see that now. It’s humbling seeing all the shit I’ve done all listed on one piece of paper.

Darkness and light

I am a sober thirty something woman and I want to share my story. I had spent twenty years hiding from my life at the bottom of a bottle until I decided enough was enough. I don’t have all the answers about staying sober, but if this blog helps someone else, it’s worth doing. Actually, even if I have no readers, it’s worth doing, because it’ll help me stay sober.

It’s hard to pin point when I started thinking about getting sober. I didn’t lose my job, I still had my friends and family. I had actually bought a house during my last year of drinking. But, something was missing. I have heard it described so many times in podcasts and twelve step meetings, that sometimes it seems to lose its meaning, but for me it rings true. I had a hole in my soul. I’ve been sober for almost eight months now and at times I still have that hole. Or, as I sometimes refer to it, my dark passenger. That’s my depression, my anxiety, my dark and twisty thoughts. But, it’s not there every day. And when I’m not drinking, I can climb my way out of the darkness.

This blog is going to be dark and honest and gutsy, but I hope there will be pockets of light throughout. Because this is a blog about life, warts and all, with some hope sprinkled in.