Two steps forward, one step back

I’ve been away for awhile. I have a new sobriety date, Oct. 17, 2018. Things really seemed to click into place this time. I haven’t been thinking about drinking. I stopped smoking cigarettes. I didn’t go to AA this time, although I go to meetings here and there. Sometimes I just like to be in a room full of sober people. I use things I picked up from AA, hip sobriety, blogs, podcasts. It works most of the time. But…

Last week, I had a really stressful interview and picked up a pack of cigarettes. I’ve been smoking about one cigarette a day. It’s not great, but it could be worse. I don’t know if it was the impending snowstorm last night, but I really wanted a drink. I passed a liquor store and nearly stopped. Later on, I was looking through old photos of me drinking. I thought it might make me look bad and stupid and make me not want to drink. But, I got really nostalgic. It made my life now look super boring. I talked to a friend who’s also in recovery and it helped a lot. I was so sad, thinking about my mundane life. But…

As it turns out, sometimes sadness is a good thing. I’m not sad because I’m sober. I’m sad because my life is boring. And sometimes sadness can bring about change. I’m not sure what it’s going to look like, but I will not go quietly into that good night. I’m going to fight for the life I want. To be continued.

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