I have loved you once and I suppose I still do. You were with me through good times and bad. And just like an ex-lover, I can’t seem to quit you. Old habits die hard. Know that in the beginning, you were just what I needed. As a shy kid with no friends, you helped me make some. And oh did we had some good times together. As I look back on those good times, I can’t help but romanticize you. I still want you sometimes. In those first couple of glasses of wine, you are like a warm hug. I miss that. But, the longer I am with you, the more suffocating you can be. That warm hug becomes a noose around my neck. The hardest part of leaving is that I know I can still enjoy you sometimes, but it’s best to cut ties. Our love is toxic. I know it’s going to be hard at first. Each day I think of you, I wonder, how bad would it be to just take a sip? But, I am hoping that if I hold out, one day at a time, there will come a day that I don’t think of you at all. That I will make it to the other side.
I had so much fun with you. My inhibitions would vanish. I could do wild things that I would be too shy to do without you. You were my muse. You and I, we had a great group of friends. Actually, everyone was our friend when you were around. The mundane became interesting, the interesting became amazing. The way I felt with my friends when we toasted to you is indescribable. I had a tribe. With you around, I had something in common with almost everyone. Strangers became sisters and brothers. You were a magic potion. The world felt so big and available.
Somewhere down the line, you changed and I changed with you. You wanted me all to yourself. I kept up my obligations reluctantly. But it was you who I longed to come home to. Our old friends were still in the periphery, but it was only you that I really wanted. You whispered into my ear that it would be better if it was just us and I agreed . So you and I would quietly rejoice when plans were canceled or we would make excuses to stay home. And it would just be us.
Over time, you became my dark passenger with a gun to my head. I still had my hand on the wheel, but it was you that had control. I hardly recognized myself anymore. On the outside, I still looked the same, but it was the inside that had changed. My life became shallow and meaningless. No one on the outside seemed to notice and why would they? Nothing really changed, but I felt empty inside. It started as such a subtle shift, that I had hardly noticed at first. But my sadness would creep up in unexpected places. A night out with you would start out incredible but would always seem to end in tears. A night in with you began to take on a darkness that I can’t even begin to describe. We could stay together longer, but I know I will lose myself in the process. I have decided I won’t wait until I lose all of myself before I leave you.
So, I am saying goodbye, my love, my first love. I have to let go of the darkness to let in the light.