When I came into recovery, I was sure I was different. I thought that the only person I hurt was myself. No one told me I had a problem, no one seemed to notice that I was drinking too much. I came into the rooms because I was emotionally bankrupt, but I didn’t feel like I had lost anything tangible. I had my job, hell, I even bought a house. I didn’t lose my husband or my children like a lot of those people in those rooms. But, wait a minute, I didn’t have a husband or children to lose. For the last bit of my drinking, it was mostly just wine, in the comfort of my home, alone. Who was I hurting? Just myself, right?
When I began thinking about making amends, I thought that mostly I just hadn’t been present for people in my life. I really believed that the amends I’d have to make were living amends. I didn’t really hurt anyone, I just wasn’t around for my friends and family. Or, when I was around, I was hungover a lot of the time. It’s like I selectively forgot all of the stupid things I did when I was drinking.
Tonight, I put my amends list on paper. There were a lot of people on there that I hurt. There were things that I did. I have more than just a living amends to do. After everything was written on the page, I looked at it in disbelief. Like, why would any of these people still want to be in my life?
It hurts, I feel so low. I thought I was an okay person, just had a little drinking problem, stopped it before it got too far. I thought I just needed recovery lite, I guess I really need the hard stuff. I am not that different from any other alcoholic, I see that now. It’s humbling seeing all the shit I’ve done all listed on one piece of paper.
Way to go. Welcome to the new and improved version of you. Giving up alcohol is incredibly tough – but I genuinely believe we all come out the other end much more content, confident and in control than what we were before.
Getting it out on paper is a great idea.
Wishing you all the best, you are in good company here in the blogosphere xoxo
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